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Why Most People Don't Really Want to Heal (Part 2)
Author: Kevin B. Burk
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR ILLNESSES
The first step to healing is to accept that we created our
illnesses in the first place. This can be a difficult
concept to swallow. So many of us are invested in the
prevailing Western scientific medical view of reality that
we can't quite understand how we created our illnesses.
Most illnesses are caused by viruses or bacteria. If we
catch a cold, or get the flu, how is that our
responsibility? Someone sneezed on us in an elevator, and
now we're laid up in bed for a week. We're so helpless
against the various flu strains that there's even an annual
cold and flu season every year. Every ad for cough
medication, every news report on flu vaccinations only
serves to reinforce the belief that we're helpless victims
of forces beyond our control. The only way to avoid getting
sick is to avoid human contact for six months of the year.
But what about the people who don't bother with flu shots,
and don't avoid human contact and yet they also don't get
sick? Are they just lucky? They're being exposed to the same
bacteria and viruses that we are. How is that that they stay
healthy? Could it be that their thoughts support perfect
health and a strong and functioning immune system, while
ours somehow invite illness?
What about hereditary or genetic disorders? How can we be
responsible for these? Or is it just possible that our
belief in heredity is what creates hereditary diseases? If
we believe that because heart disease "runs" in our family
that we are "at risk" for a heart attack, how does that
belief become our reality?
Of course, in the case of heart disease, there are so many
other contributing factors, such as diet and exercise that
have as much, or more to do with the health of our hearts
than heredity does. It may just be possible that what we
inherit is not a genetic predisposition to heart disease,
but the nutritional and lifestyle habits that actually
result in heart disease. We inherit behaviors from our
families as well. We're responsible for our choices, and
we're responsible for any dis-ease that results from our
choices.
I have a friend who "inherited" a degenerative neurological
disorder that affects her feet and makes it difficult for
her to walk. Every doctor she saw told her that she would be
in a wheelchair by the time she was 40, and there was
nothing she could do about it. She knew how her relatives
had lived out their lives with this disease, and decided
that this was not an acceptable life for her. She refused to
accept the diagnosis, and began to explore alternative
therapies. She made radical changes to her diet and
lifestyle, and very quickly noticed a radical improvement in
this chronic, progressive, degenerative condition. According
to the best medical experts, she shouldn't be able to walk
today. However, because she took responsibility for her
illness and changed the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors
that created her illness, she has been able to reverse it.
Many conditions result from negative thinking and limiting
beliefs. Unexpressed anger, regret, grief, and other painful
emotions can manifest as chronic, painful, and sometimes
terminal illness. In order to heal these conditions, we must
identify the negative thought or belief that is at the core.
The challenge, however, is to identify and release the
negative thought without triggering the ego. All too often,
we punish ourselves for having negative thoughts in the
first place--we beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up.
This only reinforces the negative thought and destructive
patterns.
We must accept that every belief we hold, no matter how
negative or limiting, serves us in some way. This goes for
our illnesses and dis-eases as well. Before we can heal, we
must become aware of what benefits we get from our
illnesses.
DISCOVERING AND ACCEPTING THAT OUR ILLNESS SERVES US
Every choice we make, we make because it meets a need. We
created our illness because it gives us something that we
believe that we want. What is the payoff we get for being
ill? What are we getting out of this situation?
No matter how painful or debilitating the illness, there is
always a benefit. Objectively, we may have made a rather
unskillful bargain, of course. We may feel that we're paying
much too high a price for the benefits we receive. But until
we identify the benefit-until we become aware of what it is
that we get out of being ill, we can never truly heal.
Healing requires that we identify what it is that we get out
of being ill, and then become aware of our beliefs
surrounding this need. We must be willing to give up these
benefits, or recognize that we can meet these needs in less
debilitating ways.
When it comes to minor illnesses such as the cold or flu,
often we get sick because we haven't been listening to our
bodies. We've been working too hard, and under too much
stress. We haven't been taking care of our physical,
emotional, or spiritual needs. The only way that we will
take any time for ourselves is if we're too weak to get out
of bed, so that's what we create.
I have a friend who has a rather intense family history,
with enough drama and intrigue to fill a prime-time soap
opera. A number of years ago, she experienced a rather
significant identity crisis. An inheritance set her up
financially so that she could do whatever she wanted to do
with her life. The fact that she could do whatever she
wanted with her life meant that she had to actually choose
what she wanted to do with her life, and this created a
great deal of stress. She began to have anxiety attacks, and
soon developed acute agoraphobia, finding it very difficult
to leave her house. She's struggled with this condition for
many years. The payoff of this condition is that she has an
iron-clad excuse not to face her fears and do something with
her life. All of her time and attention is focused on her
condition and her anxiety.
We may find it difficult to accept responsibility for having
created our illnesses because we created our illnesses to
avoid having to take responsibility in the first place.
Illnesses and injuries are often cries for attention and
validation. When we're ill, injured or otherwise in pain,
we're entitled--and even expected to think only of
ourselves. We are excused from our responsibilities to
others. We don't have to go anywhere we don't want to go, we
don't have to do anything we don't want to do. And we can
expect other people to do things for us and we're under no
obligation to return the favor. We can cancel plans at the
last minute, or even simply not show up, because we were in
too much pain to fulfill our social obligations--and we
don't even have to call to apologize.
Within reason, we're able to complain to others about how we
feel, or put on a brave face, enduring the pain (but also
making certain that everyone knows that we're a martyr to
our pain and we don't want to ruin everyone else's good
time). Either way, our illness is making us the center of
attention, and this makes deposits in our Validation
Accounts. Granted, the deposits are very small, and the cost
is extremely high, but for many of us, this is the only way
we believe that we can receive validation and attention from
others.
Healing means that we will have to give up our "special"
status. We will no longer be entitled to be the center of
attention at all times. We will no longer be able to demand
that other people notice us and pay us special attention. We
will be expected to do things that we may not particularly
enjoy, in order to meet our personal and social obligations
to others.
If our illness is a chronic disability, healing means that
we will once again have to work to earn a living. If we
believe that the only way that we can earn a living is doing
work that we find repugnant and draining, where is the
incentive to heal? And, could this belief be one of the
primary reasons we created our disability in the first
place?
Sometimes it's more important to keep our handicapped
parking privileges than it is to heal and have to (or even
be _able_ to) walk an extra block to the supermarket.
Please know that there is nothing at all wrong with that
choice. We are free to choose to keep our illnesses and our
dis-eases. These conditions meet very important needs for
us, albeit at a considerable cost. We may not really want to
heal, and that's a perfectly acceptable choice.
Of course, once we accept responsibility for having created
our illness, and become completely aware of the costs and
benefits, we may realize that we can, in fact, meet those
needs more effectively in other ways. When we realize this,
we are truly ready to heal.
THE COURAGE TO HEAL
Healing is a very threatening process because it requires
that we make significant, often dramatic changes in our
lives, and change is always threatening. On the most
fundamental level, safe equals familiar. When our most
basic, physiological needs are being met, we're often able
to overcome minor concerns about the unknown and embrace
change without feeling threatened. When we're in pain
because of dis-ease, however, our most basic needs are _not_
being met.
When our Physiological Need account is overdrawn, all of our
need accounts are put on red alert. When we're in pain,
we're most definitely not feeling safe, and _any_ change
will be a threat. To make matters worse, the behaviors that
we will have to change-often eating, drinking, and/or
smoking-seem to be the few reliable ways that we can make
deposits in our Safety Accounts.
On an intellectual level, we may understand that the only
way to truly heal and be free of the pain of our dis-ease is
to alter our behavior. However, when our safety needs aren't
being met, we act on instinct. The very thought that we have
to give up the few things that give us pleasure makes us
feel even _less_ safe.
What happens next is that we often retreat into victim
consciousness. We long for the magic wand that will
miraculously make the pain go away and let us continue with
our lives exactly as they are, because that's the only
option we can imagine that lets us feel reasonably safe.
When we escape into fantasy, of course, we avoid any
personal responsibility. We also give up all personal power,
and lose the ability to heal.
In order to truly heal, we must accept each healing crisis
as a call to awareness. When we're in pain, all we can do is
find some way to alleviate the pain. This is an essential
first step. Healing requires that we address our safety
needs, and we can't do this until our physiological needs
are being met. Healing isn't about stopping the pain;
healing is about what we choose to do once the pain has
stopped.
Healing is not about pain management; it's about safety
management. In order to change our behaviors and allow our
bodies to heal, we must learn how to manage our Safety
Accounts.
For example, we might have an emotional attachment to sugar.
Anytime we feel stressed, unhappy, or otherwise unsafe, we
can always rely on a candy bar or some ice cream to make us
feel a little better. If we are at risk for diabetes,
however, eating sugar poses serious health risks. Of course,
the thought of having to give up sugar makes us feel unsafe,
and in order to replenish the balance in our Safety Account,
we dive into a pound of Godiva chocolates.
The only way to break this pattern is to learn to manage our
Safety Account. We must discover other behaviors that help
us to feel safe that do not involve eating sugar. We can use
the "Present Moment Awareness Safety Exercise" (see "The
Relationship Handbook" page 48) to manage our general stress
levels so that we're less likely to give in to our cravings.
We experience the truth that we can meet our needs in many
different ways, and so we do not feel threatened and unsafe
by the thought of limiting or excluding sugar from our diet.
And, of course, we apply AWARENESS, OWNERSHIP and CHOICE to
create new behaviors that support our health.
Now, anyone who has struggled with attachments or addictions
will tell you that while the theory is very simple, simple
isn't the same thing as easy! Throughout the process, we
also have to be careful not to trigger our egos (as we
covered in Part 1). We must take small steps, validating and
rewarding ourselves for each elegant choice, no matter how
small, and avoid punishing ourselves for not being able to
change our behavior patterns instantly.
We did not create our dis-eases overnight, and we won't be
able to heal them overnight, either. We must accept that
healing is a gradual process, and in this acceptance is one
of the keys to healing. We generally do not need to make
drastic, immediate changes in order to heal. We can make
gradual changes in our behavior and our beliefs, and the
more gentle we are with ourselves during the process, the
more successful it will be.
Healing does not have to be difficult. It's just that for
most of us, as soon as we stop hurting, we lose interest in
actually healing.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life. Visit http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.